Facebook Relationship Status

Twenty months ago I became a widow. Almost two years. It amazes me even now as I type this. I can’t even ask myself where the time went because I know exactly where it went. It puttered along through the fog of grief. It sped up in the places where I had joy. It slowed down on the quiet nights when I struggled to just breathe.

I still grieve, in the unexpected moments when someone says something that reminds me of Bryan, when I smell a scent that brings back a beautiful memory, when the world is quiet and I can hear his voice echoing through that thin place, reaching beyond the physical realm of our universe.

I’ve settled into my new place that has my memories mixed with his. That’s the way it’ll always be. My life is intertwined with a man who is no longer physically here, but will always have a spot in my heart. The bad moments are being countered by the good memories and the new, lovely moments.

I’m at the point in my life where I feel a bit odd calling myself a widow. I AM a widow. But being a widow brings with it a certain stereotype. It says that I’m alone, carrying heavy things in my heart, not living life. I’m all of those things yet none of those things. I don’t want to be a widow any longer. I want to shed the proverbial black widow’s dress. I don’t want to be known as a widow. I want to be known as a woman. It’s what Bryan would want me to do and it’s what he would have done if the tables had been turned. I want to be someone who had someone beautiful in her life and has become a better person for it.

Now I come to the part where I’m looking at my Facebook status and getting a bit panicky. If I sever ties with my widowhood on Facebook, it’s almost as if I’m losing Bryan all over again. It feels so strange yet it’s something I need to do for myself. It’s another little thing I’m doing in order to lay one more layer of grief aside.

It’s time.

Sleepsong by Secret Garden

Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay
Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li lai-lay

Lay down your head and I’ll sing you a lullaby
Back to the years of loo-li lai-lay
And I’ll sing you to sleep and I’ll sing you tomorrow
Bless you with love for the road that you go
May you sail fair to the far fields of fortune
With diamonds and pearls at your head and your feet
And may you need never to banish misfortune
May you find kindness in all that you meet
May there always be angels to watch over you
To guide you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you safe from all harm
Loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay
May you bring love and may you bring happiness
Be loved in return to the end of your days
Now fall off to sleep, I’m not meaning to keep you
I’ll just sit for a while and sing loo-li, lai-lay
May there always be angels to watch over you
To guide you each step of the way
To guard you and keep you safe from all harm

Loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay, loo-li, loo-li, lai-layLoo-li, loo-li, loo-li, lai-lay
Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li lai-lay
Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li lai-lay
Loo-li, loo-li, loo-li lai-lay
Loo-li, lai-lay