Navigating Fall

I haven't blogged in a while and I miss it. I feel like it's a muscle that I've allowed to atrophy and even now, I'm struggling to find the words to type. October is a rough month. It's my favorite month and my least favorite at the same time. Fall break is going to be... Continue Reading →

Mourner’s Kaddish

Last year, I started going through A Mourner’s Kaddish Companion, a Jewish method of dealing with grief. I haven’t done it daily. It’s been hit or miss as I’ve dealt with all the messiness of grieving. But I picked it back up recently and it’s really been helpful. That whole five stages of grief is... Continue Reading →

Weird Widow Milestones

I crossed a bit of a milestone last month. June 7th marked the day that Bryan will have been gone for the same amount of time that I was with him when he was alive. It’s a weird milestone. I’m not even sure how healthy it was to have even acknowledged that date, but that's... Continue Reading →

The Need to Say Goodbye

It occurred to me that Bryan and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I hear about all these stories of people who are on death's bed and their family is all around them to say goodbye. Or maybe they bring in each family member, one at a time, for final messages meant just... Continue Reading →

Christmas #3 Post-Bryan

Do you remember when you were told to clean your room? Your solution was to shove everything in the closet and then slam the door fast before everything came tumbling back out (it’s funny how, as adults, we do that same thing). It works. Until you need something in the closet. You gently ease the... Continue Reading →

Happy Easter

This was our last Easter together. Bryan was on dialysis from his failing kidneys so his body was reacting in ways it never had before. We wouldn't get married until that October. We had been engaged for about two weeks. We had been together for just over two years when this photo was taken. I... Continue Reading →

It’s Enough

I ran across this graphic earlier today and it’s funny how different my reaction was compared to what it would’ve been last year. Last year, I would have totally agreed with it, cried for lost opportunities, and just would have been miserable, thinking about all the things Bryan and I had planned to do. The... Continue Reading →

The Smell of Fall

Fall has a smell. I smell it every year and every year I struggle to describe it. Saturday mornings are cool with just a bit of a chill in the air. The air smells clean and smells like change. Sometimes if I’m quiet and still, I can almost put the right words to it. Fall... Continue Reading →

Weekend at Bernie’s

Lazy Saturday mornings are the best. I can fix pancakes without having to wolf it down and dashing out the door for work. I can drink mimosas without guilt because drinking champagne during the work day is frowned upon in the U.S. I throw some strawberries in there so technically, a mimosa is a vehicle... Continue Reading →

Why I Wear a Mask

When Bryan was fitted with the transfer set as part of the peritoneal dialysis process, we would both wear a blue mask and wash our hands (I sang happy birthday twice - every time) before attempting to clean the transfer set and/or open it for the dialysis bag hookup and detachment. We did this EVERY.... Continue Reading →

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