Making the Darkness Conscious

Someone once observed how I was able to self-reflect, how I can take a horrible situation and pick it apart, peeling back the painful layers of sadness, guilt, anger, and despair and analyzing each one. Why am I feeling this particular emotion? Can I do anything about it? Have I felt it before? What does... Continue Reading →

Visiting the Grave

I have to preface the picture below. One of the things I'm learning as a widow is how to put flowers on a grave. It’s not a simple matter. I can't just stick some flowers in the built-in vase (after I spent ten minutes trying to figure out how to turn the thing over) because... Continue Reading →

Counting Down

One of my favorite things to do has always been to count down to something - graduation, holidays, whatever. I haven't felt much like counting down to anything this past year, but as I've been finding my way back into the world, I'm starting to look forward to things again. This is my last quiet... Continue Reading →

The Terrifying Blank Page

I mentioned last night that I wasn’t going to write down any New Year’s Resolutions this year. I started thinking about that this morning, trying to figure out why I just didn’t want to make my list as I do every year. I believe there’s sometimes a certain level of anxiety when making New Year’s... Continue Reading →

Christmas Just Isn’t the Same

I’ve always loved Christmas. I enjoy decorating and cooking, going to the Christmas Eve services, waking up Christmas morning early so we can eat, open presents, and visit. I’ve always enjoyed listening to Christmas music, too. Being in a new place and being there without Bryan, however, has forced me to change a few things.... Continue Reading →

The First Thanksgiving

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been working during the day, making mental plans of what I’m going to accomplish once I get home. Then I come home at night mentally exhausted and unable to do much of anything that requires active brain function. Which is why I'm here at home on a Wednesday... Continue Reading →

Thin Places

All Soul’s Day is a tradition I didn’t have much experience with prior to becoming an Episcopalian. Baptists have a hard enough time dealing with Halloween, much less with a holiday that involved praying for the souls of the dead. But in the middle of one of the most exciting sporting events in Memphis history,... Continue Reading →

Telling the Hairdresser Your Husband Died

In the intangible book of widowhood, they left out a chapter. It’s the chapter on telling your hairdresser your husband died. As women, hairdressers are our confidants. We talk to them about our day, our love lives, our kids, and anything else we can cram into that blissful time of being pampered. We were chatting... Continue Reading →

Re-Visiting the Hospital

I went to visit a friend in the hospital today. It was the first time I had been in that hospital since Bryan died. I wasn’t sure how that was going to turn out. Would I stop at the door and run screaming in the other direction? Would I even make it into the parking... Continue Reading →

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