Happy Easter

This was our last Easter together. Bryan was on dialysis from his failing kidneys so his body was reacting in ways it never had before. We wouldn't get married until that October. We had been engaged for about two weeks. We had been together for just over two years when this photo was taken. I... Continue Reading →

Unconventional Kaddish

I’m steadily going through Grief in Our Seasons by Rabbi Kerry M. Olitzky. It’s meant to be read immediately following the death of a loved one and it’s also meant to be gone through daily. I started reading it over a year and a half after Bryan died and I definitely haven’t gone through it... Continue Reading →

Facebook Relationship Status

Twenty months ago I became a widow. Almost two years. It amazes me even now as I type this. I can’t even ask myself where the time went because I know exactly where it went. It puttered along through the fog of grief. It sped up in the places where I had joy. It slowed... Continue Reading →

It’s Enough

I ran across this graphic earlier today and it’s funny how different my reaction was compared to what it would’ve been last year. Last year, I would have totally agreed with it, cried for lost opportunities, and just would have been miserable, thinking about all the things Bryan and I had planned to do. The... Continue Reading →

The Smell of Fall

Fall has a smell. I smell it every year and every year I struggle to describe it. Saturday mornings are cool with just a bit of a chill in the air. The air smells clean and smells like change. Sometimes if I’m quiet and still, I can almost put the right words to it. Fall... Continue Reading →

Weekend at Bernie’s

Lazy Saturday mornings are the best. I can fix pancakes without having to wolf it down and dashing out the door for work. I can drink mimosas without guilt because drinking champagne during the work day is frowned upon in the U.S. I throw some strawberries in there so technically, a mimosa is a vehicle... Continue Reading →

Why I Wear a Mask

When Bryan was fitted with the transfer set as part of the peritoneal dialysis process, we would both wear a blue mask and wash our hands (I sang happy birthday twice - every time) before attempting to clean the transfer set and/or open it for the dialysis bag hookup and detachment. We did this EVERY.... Continue Reading →

The Gap Closes Quickly

I was flipping through my Facebook memories this morning and came across a photo I had posted of a bottle of wine. I didn't recognize the counter in the background for a minute. Then it hit me: it was the counter at my rental condo from a year ago, the first place I moved into... Continue Reading →

Worry-Wart Widow

Sometimes my blog posts resemble more of a steady stream of consciousness than a coherent piece of writing. This blog post is something like that. I spent a lot of time thinking about COVID-19 and Bryan today. I wondered what he would have done in the middle of all this if he were still alive.... Continue Reading →

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