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Twenty months ago I became a widow. Almost two years. It amazes me even now as I type this. I can’t even ask myself where the time went because I know exactly where it went. It puttered along through the fog of grief. It sped up in the places where I had joy. It slowed... Continue Reading →

It’s Enough

I ran across this graphic earlier today and it’s funny how different my reaction was compared to what it would’ve been last year. Last year, I would have totally agreed with it, cried for lost opportunities, and just would have been miserable, thinking about all the things Bryan and I had planned to do. The... Continue Reading →

The Smell of Fall

Fall has a smell. I smell it every year and every year I struggle to describe it. Saturday mornings are cool with just a bit of a chill in the air. The air smells clean and smells like change. Sometimes if I’m quiet and still, I can almost put the right words to it. Fall... Continue Reading →

Weekend at Bernie’s

Lazy Saturday mornings are the best. I can fix pancakes without having to wolf it down and dashing out the door for work. I can drink mimosas without guilt because drinking champagne during the work day is frowned upon in the U.S. I throw some strawberries in there so technically, a mimosa is a vehicle... Continue Reading →

Why I Wear a Mask

When Bryan was fitted with the transfer set as part of the peritoneal dialysis process, we would both wear a blue mask and wash our hands (I sang happy birthday twice - every time) before attempting to clean the transfer set and/or open it for the dialysis bag hookup and detachment. We did this EVERY.... Continue Reading →

The Gap Closes Quickly

I was flipping through my Facebook memories this morning and came across a photo I had posted of a bottle of wine. I didn't recognize the counter in the background for a minute. Then it hit me: it was the counter at my rental condo from a year ago, the first place I moved into... Continue Reading →

Worry-Wart Widow

Sometimes my blog posts resemble more of a steady stream of consciousness than a coherent piece of writing. This blog post is something like that. I spent a lot of time thinking about COVID-19 and Bryan today. I wondered what he would have done in the middle of all this if he were still alive.... Continue Reading →

Making the Darkness Conscious

Someone once observed how I was able to self-reflect, how I can take a horrible situation and pick it apart, peeling back the painful layers of sadness, guilt, anger, and despair and analyzing each one. Why am I feeling this particular emotion? Can I do anything about it? Have I felt it before? What does... Continue Reading →

Fat Tuesday

Mardi Gras is winding down and it’ll soon be time for Lent. It's almost impossible to believe that in a week and a half, it’ll have been a year since Bryan died. He traveled to the other side the day after Ash Wednesday. It’s strangely poetic. This time last year, we were in our 22nd... Continue Reading →

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