A Widow’s Jealousy

An older couple sat across from me on the plane who joyfully did their own thing; she was busy editing a musical score and he was busy flipping through news stories on his phone. They took a few seconds out to sneak a kiss in. It was the sweetest thing in the world and it almost brought me to tears because I miss having Bryan here to do that with and I have this inner fear that I will never have that again with anyone else.

My boss went with me on this trip and he took a few moments between flight legs to go call his wife and check in on her and his son. It’s the sweetest thing to see him Facetiming and hearing them chatter on, but it broke my heart because Bryan is no longer here for me to call, much less Facetime.

Those are the things I’m noticing at the moment. Grief has no order. It has no boundaries, it has no rationality, it doesn’t bother making an appointment with you. It shows up whenever the hell it wants to and is that annoying guest who stays even after you’ve put your pajamas on and made it obvious that it’s time to go home for the evening. It’s like SpongeBob – 24/7.

The rational part of me understands this. It understands that this is simply a long, arduous journey that I’m just going to have to ride out. It’s part of dealing with being a widow, of dealing with the grief, of dealing with the fact that I am now going to have to move forward and create a new life.

The irrational part of me…not so much. It wants to pout. It wants to scream. It wants to throw a tantrum in true 3-year-old style.

I share this for a couple of reasons. Number one, as always, this is my therapy. Number two, I want other widows to be able to read this and say, “Yes! That’s me!” and “OMG, is it really okay to feel this way??” Yes, it’s perfectly okay to feel this way because see my grief description above. No one who deals with grief ever needs to apologize for any stage of it.

So for my family and my friends and for anyone else out there who shows affection in public, keep doing it. It helps me process my grief and it helps me to see that true love still exists.

The only abnormality is the incapacity to love. ~ Anais Nin