It’s been two weeks since Bryan left this world. I look at this statement and it still doesn’t click in my brain sometimes.
I’m a bit of a loner by nature. I love people and I love being out and having fun, but I also enjoy quiet solitude. I can go for days without talking with anyone. That nature allows me to be alone and it not be a major factor while I go through the crazy cycle of emotions. I’m not lonely for people. I’m lonely for my buddy. I’m lonely for one of the few people who truly knew me. I’m lonely for the sound of his voice, the flirty way he would dance with me in the kitchen, the sweet texts he would send, the beautiful flowers he would surprise me with whether it was a special occasion or simply just because.
I’ve been keeping myself busy working during the day and organizing at night. I want to show him the picture I hung in the bathroom. I want him to see where I put the desk. I want to compare notes with my NCAA Tournament bracket and hear him give me grief about my choices. It’s those stark, brutal, empty moments of reality that make me want to crawl under the covers and hide from life.
But I get through those moments. Kristoff will need to be fed. I’ll have laundry to do. I’ll have errands to run. A friend will call to see if I want to go to dinner. Life goes on. The dark and empty moment will pass and I will start to feel just a little better about life.
One Republic came out with a single, “I Lived”. Bryan showed it to me when it first came out. The teenager in the video who has cystic fibrosis has an uncanny resemblance to what Bryan looked like as a teenager. They even share the same name. I believe in those beautiful moments of serendipity. Do you?