Hello, Grief, My Old Friend

You would think that after 3-1/2 years of living in the condo that I would have finally gotten all the little miscellaneous Bryan things sorted. I was going through my buffet, pulling out Halloween party things to properly pack away in my Halloween bins and came across two golfing gift cards that had been given to Bryan years ago that had never been used (don’t ask why in the world I tucked them in there at one point). It made me a little sad to see them, but it’s not the breathtaking sadness that I would have had two years ago. It’s progress.

I re-visit the whole golf thing every once in a while. I do miss golfing. Bryan was a good coach and it was so much fun getting to go golfing with someone who was competitive, but willing to teach. Golf courses are fun places. You get to play a competitive sport, ride around in a golf cart, get a little tipsy, eat a clubhouse hotdog, and enjoy the peaceful-looking scenery on a beautiful day. Today would have been the perfect day to go.

It’s been four years and eight months. I had to sit here and count the months which is also progress. There was a day when, in any given moment I was asked, I knew the exact amount of time it had been since Bryan died. The grief doesn’t go away. It just sort of sits in the body like an old familiar friend. The intense emotions that are at the beginning are gone. What’s left? The feelings that come with a long relationship – steady, predictable, and in a weird way, comforting. It sounds so strange to say that I’ve made friends with grief, but making friends is easier on a soul than constantly fighting, isn’t it?