Grief Feels Like Fear

Father Bob passed away this week and it’s brought back so many emotions that I have to do what I always do in order to sort them all out – I journal.

Father Bob married Bryan and me. He officiated his funeral. And in between those times, we shared conversations, jokes, laughter, tears. Bryan has memories of Father Bob that I will never know about. I have memories that over time will become fuzzy.

I had memory come back to me tonight. Grief and time have erased the details, but I remember when Bryan died in the hospital, Father Bob was there, in the lowest part of my life. In the middle of the heartbreak and tears, I don’t remember much of anything else. I don’t remember our conversation. I don’t remember if he hugged me. I have no memories of those moments other than that he was there.

I think that’s some of the reason why I documented that month. It was partially to keep everyone updated, but it also was so I wouldn’t forget. Because memories are always there to remind us of who we are and what makes us “us”. They remind us of the people who are with us no matter what.

I had another friend pass away this week as well and it was so sudden, especially after hearing the news of Father Bob, that it just has hit me a little harder than normal. This week has been off-kilter and I’ve been in a bit of a daze which I know is simply the by-product of anguish, but it doesn’t make things easier.

Grief is so much like fear which is why I guess it’s so comforting to have someone near when you’re grieving. Father Bob was one of those sweet souls who understood.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” ~C.S. Lewis