Today marks the 7th anniversary of Bryan’s death. It feels like a whole different life ago. It’s as if he’s been deported to a country where no communication is allowed with the outside world. He’s just there, living in a place that’s isolated from the rest of humanity – a Narnia of souls. Echoes of... Continue Reading →
My Quiet Nineteeth Hole
It’s been a while since I’ve blogged about my grief journey. It’s been six years and three months since Bryan has been gone. It feels as if that were another life, another version of me. It’s been a while since I’ve just sat quietly, thinking about him. I miss him. He made my life beautiful... Continue Reading →
Grief Feels Like Fear
Father Bob passed away this week and it’s brought back so many emotions that I have to do what I always do in order to sort them all out – I journal. Father Bob married Bryan and me. He officiated his funeral. And in between those times, we shared conversations, jokes, laughter, tears. Bryan has... Continue Reading →
Hello, Grief, My Old Friend
You would think that after 3-1/2 years of living in the condo that I would have finally gotten all the little miscellaneous Bryan things sorted. I was going through my buffet, pulling out Halloween party things to properly pack away in my Halloween bins and came across two golfing gift cards that had been given... Continue Reading →
The Quiet Moments
I found this graphic today from @hopeforwidows on Instagram and it really has grabbed me. It’s been four years and four months as of July 7th of this year. It feels as if it’s been forever, but at the same time, it feels as though it just happened. As always, I use this blog to... Continue Reading →
Frozen in Time
This was the last photo ever taken of me and Bryan together before he went into the hospital for the last time. It was taken on December 24th, 2018, the Christmas Eve service at Saint John’s Episcopal. That night has been a bit lost in the haze of old memories. If I had to guess,... Continue Reading →
Mourner’s Kaddish
Last year, I started going through A Mourner’s Kaddish Companion, a Jewish method of dealing with grief. I haven’t done it daily. It’s been hit or miss as I’ve dealt with all the messiness of grieving. But I picked it back up recently and it’s really been helpful. That whole five stages of grief is... Continue Reading →
The Need to Say Goodbye
It occurred to me that Bryan and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. I hear about all these stories of people who are on death's bed and their family is all around them to say goodbye. Or maybe they bring in each family member, one at a time, for final messages meant just... Continue Reading →
Christmas #3 Post-Bryan
Do you remember when you were told to clean your room? Your solution was to shove everything in the closet and then slam the door fast before everything came tumbling back out (it’s funny how, as adults, we do that same thing). It works. Until you need something in the closet. You gently ease the... Continue Reading →
Unconventional Kaddish
I’m steadily going through Grief in Our Seasons by Rabbi Kerry M. Olitzky. It’s meant to be read immediately following the death of a loved one and it’s also meant to be gone through daily. I started reading it over a year and a half after Bryan died and I definitely haven’t gone through it... Continue Reading →
My Mosaic Life 